American Hunters Need Dick
From: The Desk Of PHILBERT SUGGS
To: General Richard Bruce 'Dick' Cheney
Dearest Vice President Dick Cheney,
My name is Philbert Suggs and I am a patriotic suppressor of a women's right to choose and an angry right-wing Christian warrior outdoorsman just like you sir. And like you, I'm also a big fan of treason and lying, especially if it means upholding the integrity of our American way of life.
But Dick, it seems to me that things are very different for you now. I mean you used to be able to getaway with everything and anything! However now, I hear people calling you names like "War Profiter" "Crony Capitalist","Greedy Dick," "Liar Liar" and "Outrageously Loathsome Maladjusted Evil Man Scourge of Ooze and Bile"! And those Dick, are out of the mouths of your republican supporters who attend my very right leaning Church.
But Dick, I want you to know that I've figured it all out! Ever since I attended the Republican-Wise Eyes-Forum-Seminar at BIG SIR in beautiful Bishop, CA. I have been able to "see clearly" what is really secretly going on in the fellowship of the GOP. For instance, I now realize that you are going to resign from your post in a calculated move to… One: avoid going to Federal prison for your part in outing a CIA agent. And two: to quickly get the heck out of the "serving the public" crap with your new and (vastly) improved (huge) Haliburton booty.
But what your resignation also means to me and the millions of other Christian hunting devotees who you are fraternally bonded to, is you will be able to make available to the industry of killing animals for sport, the valuable experience of turning lies and failures into great accomplishments. This is why I am writing to you today.
As a fellow rural Republican supremacist you know the tragic, heartbreaking reality of the rapid declining numbers of men who go out hunting and killing animals for recreation every year. And as a ruthless self serving business executive you must notice the industry of hunting animals is now in dire straights just like the GOP, and desperately needs a man like you. Yes, we American hunters need you, Dick.
Because you sir, better than anyone else since Mcarthy, Hoover or Lee Atwater created a right-wing syllabus for America that truly reflects the mean spirit that is our GOP. That fraternal, ulterior motive Mafia thing that you had going on is truly what we American hunters are needing now to discredit the opposition against our war on the animals.
Lying about the reasons why the US invaded the Mesopotamia regions of Iraq is identical, in its complete dishonesty, to the lies we hunters make up when explaining the need to go into the woods and shoot animals. We hunters badly need the kind of triumphant success with lying that you and Bush have had so that when we explain to the public why we must invade the mountains, the grasslands, the tree filled areas with dirt and even the game ranches to kill animals, these lies will be totally accepted as necessary in the war to protect the American way of life.
Heck Dick, if you can keep the US citizens from wanting to stone you after they have all seen how you helped award numerous no-bid no-compete contracts for the War in Iraq to your own former company Haliburton and that your stock options have risen 3,281% since 2004, then you could realistically even help brave Ted Nugent, myself and Fenced In Hunting International with our plan to import those penguin birds from the Antarctic for disabled children and a few of the lucky event organizers to shoot up inside enclosed game parks. And with you guiding the campaign, the public will remain passively silent.
Think of how simple it's been for a mean spirited man like you to turn scandals and selfishness into great accomplishments in the eyes of US citizens!
Dick, with you as the Corporate CEO-Commanding General of the American Hunting Industry we would still be able to champion the old fraudulent reason that hunting animals actually saves animals from certain death when they are killed for recreation. With your help Dick it may even be possible to bring the numbers of American men who hunt and kill critters for fun, back up to the pre Viagra levels.
Oh Dick, don't panic. I'm not going to request that you become involved with the hunting industry's huge boycott against Viagra, (which as you know is the main reason the sale of hunting licenses has plummeted in the last 4 years)! No, we hunters understand how companies like Pfizer actually own you and that it's all part of the reality of our profit driven political system.
Can't you just picture yourself in a motorized wheel chair traveling around the nation like a modern day, but really angry and cranky Roosevelt type?
Well? What do you think?
I look forward to hearing from you soon or at the very least seeing you again at the annual Rawlins,Wyoming Coyote Kill.
& God Bless,